Love

A friend once told me to always look for the silver lining, no matter how bleak the situation presents itself.

I have since applied that advice in all the challenges life throws at me. Difficult clients? At least I get to learn how to handle people for future uses. Betrayals? I learnt to filter out toxic people out of my life and learnt not to be so naive and trusting anymore. Woke up to a bad day and not feeling like doing anything? Then I have time for my self care routines ( be it reading, doing my nails, taking an extra long shower). The concept of 'catching the silver lining' has been ingrained so deep into my mindset that it has become so effortless to me now, like second nature.

But what about the times when you felt so hollow your heart felt as heavy as the ocean, the times when your heart aches so bad your head hurts, and you don't even know you are crying until you checked yourself in the mirror. The times you don't have an explanation and description for the cold feeling in your chest. When you are experiencing a heartbreak, it felt like something is being taken away from you. Where is the silver lining in that?

Back then I did not know the answer but right at this moment I know being heartbroken has taught me that if I could face that and survive, then I could pick myself back up anytime when I am ready. I guess this is one of the qualities that I am most proud of, that although I get hurt easily, I could recover and pick myself back up just as easily, and emerge even stronger than before. It is strange how we have to experience heartbreaks just to love and understand our worth better, and to realise just what we deserve. At least personally, that has always been the case. Being heartbroken also taught me to be self reliant, it is a smack in the face realisation that I am my own person and I don't need anyone else.

Heartbreaks puts an iron clad in your heart and at times I felt like there is no way I could be as vulnerable as before again. I have always been afraid of being vulnerable, for as loong as I can remember . I got lucky now and so grateful to be at a place where I can say I have found my person. But, there was a time looong ago I told my best friend how in the future I just want a partner who respects me, we dont even have to be in love with each other. I just need respect. But here is what I have learnt ; we think we are protecting ourselves by not giving people our hearts and emotions, but what we are missing instead are new lessons, challenges, priceless memories, and so much more.. It also lets you see who is worthy of our trust, and who is not.

After all, even in the case if you ever get your heart broken, you can just look for the silver lining

Nostalgia

1/365

It is the first midnight of the year. Everyone is talking about their future plans and making new resolutions, but tonight I am looking back at the past, homesick for a place that is not home .

I havent thought about Sydney in a while now, but tonight memories of the years living there came crashing down and I am hit with waves of nostalgia. I remember my first year in Sydney, how I immediately fell in love with the city. It was probably the year I was the most independent ever. My first time relying on myself to make sure I eat three meals a day, figuring out the location of all my classes in a massive university, doing my own laundry, cleaning my own room, buying my own groceries. I remember crawling back to bed with a good book and soft music, feeling so happy and grateful just to be in Sydney. I was so easily content with life back then. I was alone but I was not scared because there was no doubt in my head that I could figure out whatever life throws at me.

These are some moments that I look back on and somehow miss the person I was before. Today, I have everything I used to wished for and yet the 2016 me was more contented with life.

( Something completely off the tangent, but do you realise how scary it is that there is more to lose now that you have everything? It is something that I have struggled with a lot, the anxiety of losing everything that I have. I used to think 'gratefulness' is a double edged sword because of that.)


Sydney has been home for 4 years and it will always hold a special place in my heart.
In honor of the new year, Im taking all the lessons learnt, the accumulated growth, knowledge and experiences from all these years and bringing it to full use in 2020. A lot can change in 4 years. People are subject to change, it is inevitable. Personalities change as new perspective is gained, opinions are modified as we face new scenarios. In the end, we outgrow people who are not genuine with us, those who are capable of giving more but decided to be selfish, those who only comes to us in need of help, those who talk the talk but cant walk the talk.
Im not selling myself short anymore.

I know now that everyone is a reflection of their experiences and what they say or do should not be taken personally. I know now that I am resilient and although I can be naive and too trusting, I will still stand on my two feet no matter what life hurdles I face. No matter how much what or who hurts me, no matter how many times I laugh at myself for being too trusting, no matter how many setbacks, disappointments and failures, "I told you so"s, and facing people who thought they could read you just because they can, I know at the end of the day I will still be okay.



May 2020 be better than 2019, because I already know it will x

Sydney with love

Fleur

I have been playing a lot with flowers lately, just because I cant help it (although mom has asked me to postpone my flower dream and put my focus on something else) . I miss walking into my flower course in Sydney, stepping inside the room and being surrounded by floral scents and pastel hues. 

The flowers we have here is very different from the ones I see in Sydney's flower market, it was a bit of letdown for me since my favourite flowers is not easily available here.

In my Ikebana course my teacher told us of her life in Japan, how during spring time she would sit with her friends below the cherry blossom trees and sip on sparkling champagne. And when April is ending there would be rows and rows of stunning displays of Wisteria along the shrines and flower gardens, creating an explosion of blue and purple in every corner and ceiling.

 And then there is the Iris festival throughout July, with the Hydrangea festivals to follow suit and the list goes on ~ 

the point she wants us to take home is to appreciate and enjoy every type of flowers, because they possess their own kind of beauty (just like us! lol).

 And not only that, it is important to enjoy the moment as it is. After all, it would be completely irrational to wait for cherry blossoms to bloom all year long and forgetting to appreciate all the other flowers blooming beside us.

Over warm coffees and flower arranging, I finally fully understood the concepts that I learnt from two novels I had read months ago, "Wabi Sabi" and "Ikigai". 

Its the second last day of my easter break and I am feeling as glum as dodo in this picture.. time does fly when you are having fun (read: drinking bubble tea every other day, going on foodventures and movie marathons). I have always felt that the transitioning period is the worst. The sense of inevitability that holidays are ending and the prospect of going back to waking up super early to study and going home late tired everyday, saying goodbye to lazy days and random dates. But once holiday is really over, a new routine sets in and you just fall into a new equilibrium and soon enough you get used to it. I felt the same thing years ago when I was incredibly homesick and would cry during the end of holidays because it meant going back to Singapore. I can still remember the huge pit in my stomach as I am packing up my suitcase, going to the airport, and boarding the plane. The feeling usually dissipates once I set my foot on my Singapore hostel. Its almost like there is an uncrossable line between my life, with different routines and lifestyle. 

Anyways, went for Portuguese egg tart hunting today because it has been on our mind for a long time now

Our journey took us to Petersham in Sydney, where apparently there are a lot of Portuguese residents around

Dodo googled for the best tarts in Sydney and it lead us to a cozy cafe 

The place has such an authentic vibe I cant put a finger on

Also been trying to make myself more educated and socially aware and I have just been angry all the time, for the racism, self righteousness, gender inequality and abuse of power going on around me that I have only recently noticed. I almost wish I am still blissfully ignorant just so I dont have to deal with such hatred for certain people.

Japan Collage

Weekend dreaming

Its 7 pm on a sunday night and Im typing away in my laptop in the quiet. I had just lit my favourite Diptyque candle, and the scent of jasmine hints faintly at the background. Weekends have always been my favourite days of the week, and the past few ones had been exceptionally good.

These days Im trying to incorporate workouts into my mornings so I have been waking up extra early on Saturdays. Be it joining a class downtown, going to the local gym or just a youtube session from home, I feel like it made a tremendous difference in my mood, especially during that time of the month. I used to obsessively aim to be skinny, but right now I dont even weigh myself anymore (only when I remember to, which is not often at all). I exercise to eat more and to achieve a clearer mental state, but I wont say no to having a toned body in the process hehe.

Besides listening to podcasts, diligently masking, buying candles and meditating, I always try to have reading time every single day. Reading has always been an integral part of my life,  but last year I realised I did not make time to dedicate myself to it. The books I have been loving right now is 21 lessons for the 21st century by Yuval Noah Harari. I usually go through books relatively quickly, but this one took me more than a week to read. It opened my mind to a lot of information and I just realised how ignorant I am to what has been going on in the world right now. The book poses a lot of big questions and talks about nationalism, war, terrorism, education, the rise of AI in the future and so many other important topics. It is definitely a recommended read for me.
I also came across this book called "Paris, through a fashion eye" by Megan Hess, and it was love at first sight for me.

Paris has always been the dream city for me. It has long been in my bucket list and I have had countless of day dreaming about walking along the romantic alleys of Rue des barres in Le Marais, morning croissant at Cafe De Flores, visiting Le Mur Des Jet'aime, sipping rose and people watching at the Luxemborg palace,  taking a cruise down the seine.. the list goes on and on ( and my pinterest board keeps getting denser and denser everyday), I even have a spotify playlist dedicated to parisian music. 

Dodo jokes that by the time we get to visit Paris, my expectations would be so high that once it fails to live up to my dream, I would fall victim to the Paris Syndrome (yes it is a real thing!!).  But a girl's gotta dream, right? And my bucketlist is one of the things that just gives me the fuel and motivation during rainy days. Just looking at my pinterest board makes me a happier girl.

Im not kidding when I say images like these can make me tear up